Grammar Punch

When my wife told me I have not taught my son grammar for his annual exams coming round the corner, I stepped forward to chip in a bit. Grammar …grrrrrrrrrrrr he says. I give him no chance. I made him sit beside me at 10.30 p.m and taught him punctuation.

The computer glared at him. His eyes were roving and I could see him trying to say ‘yes’ to my tutoring. Without knowing whether I was asking questions or it was just an instruction. It was not a zinger for me too to teach him at that point of time. I felt exhausted and wanted to slide from my chair on to the bed right away.

I held up my nerve and looked at him. Poor fellow, sleep was haunting his eyes and he could barely look at me. I am certain he would not want to be my student given that I am an academician teaching graduates.

Now, are you thorough with punctuation, I asked him. He shook his whole body to help him extricate out of the stupor he was slowly going into.

Tell me what else I can teach you before you get completely knocked out. Meantime, my wife brought him a cup of tea to stimulate his brain. He drank in a single draught and looked as if he had a swill of alcohol. I had a feeling that the tea was making him all the more sleepy. Similie, I said.

I know little about pronouns and all that, but not similie, he answered.

I gave him an example using how he can establish parallel between one idea and another. Then I asked him: (I realized I chose a wrong example but it was too late), Pops’ belly looks like…. I stopped for him to complete.

His face lit up. He smiled and said: like watermelon.

He has understood me and similie better now and I thought I rather change the topic. Before he got enthusiastic about similies and my way of asking questions, I bade him a hasty goodnight.

Academic Debate - II

I am volatile and have no specific affinity for anything in life. However, it is only a wrong impression my love to test water in different fields has conveyed. Secondly, a friend of mine who I turn to for motivation has always criticised me in no uncertain terms. I do not deny as she is correct in advising me to hang on to one entity. I am sorry, I am not able to resist my curiosity to have a go at a range of communication industries – not all though.

Today, as I was seeking her help to distribute questionnaire to students relating to my doctoral studies, we happened to discuss how a student of mine and an incidental colleague are rising to the occasion in their career. Her implicit argument is that I only jabber (who knows if she calls me a jabbering fool) and have not achieved anything substantive. I did admit and I am working on my doctoral studies and things are looking up. I am pleased with the progress I am making and would say push has come to shove.

The argument wound through my explaining to her what my new area of specialisation is. The list included five topics and all of them fortunately fall under one category. Two of them are part of my doctoral studies and I told I intend to focus on the rest – it is just a question of content packaged in different media and studying how content is produced, consumed, commodified and their social and cultural implications.

She appeared to be in a foul mood and was right away fending off my statements. It sort of diluted my motivation. Over and above, I did not see any rationale in her argument. She questioned my authority on my competency in culture theory, which is my area of specialisation. I said I can talk about it more than what I would have had it been a year ago. She cut me short curtly saying being able to elucidate on a topic does not mean I have specialised in it. I partly agree with that but she tried to set me against others. She was in no mood to listen to me either and both of us were heard bantering over the phone.

I cannot forgive her for de-motivating me – a reliable source scorns me and that is something unbearable given the fact that both of us worked together on several papers. I ended the call with a bet that I would prove my competency in the areas of my choice. She got a secure job and she feels I cannot stage a convincing comeback to academics. Sometimes, it is good that such heated conversation happens. I need this kind of stimulus to force the pace in my career, especially in academics. Thank you lady for blowing hot! It is invigorating and makes me think where I am and what I should do.

Have you put out the embers of old flame?

A few months back, I happened to answer a question related to extra-marital affairs. The question had been apparently posted by a man on a website and it caught my interest. Interest that is laced with sympathy to help him out of the quagmire he is in. My first hunch said that he is a victim of an unprecedented relationship he has started pondering over. I let my imagination fan out and my hunch and understanding of the distressed fellow human being grew infinite. He is probably ruing for having gotten into such a culture-shocking eyesore. I thought it’s too late. On the other, it is better late than never.

I see through his heart and there she is tugging at the strings. He has internalized this feeling. Obviously, she has tamped down her ‘sincere’ love for him as if they never had any relationship. I got an answer from the man and he confided that he got physical with her too. The thought of having to lose her after a stealthy but loyalty-ridden relationship is not something he is not able to stomach. Though, he never initiated it he wants the relationship to continue. So much for his loyalty for a woman who is all set to cheat on him.

The point now is how to get rid of the disturbing thoughts, say (heady!!!) indiscretions he committed, and get going. She’s already jumped into the stream. Why bother about her?

I replied him how not to turn it up henceforth. And, my tips served some purpose. In fact, extra-marital relationship is not alien to our country. In the guise of tradition people feign serenity. Behind the screen, lust plays host to a sly environment.

Well, if you dream of an everlasting relationship you are living in a fool’s paradise. Either of you will break it up either due to saturation or problems. The latter hardly comes into picture as men and women are cunning and guileful enough to enjoy as long as it tastes sweet and throw him/her out – who you would have once held in a cushy status. Poor fellow, who wrote to me met with the same fate.

From his point of view, I would suggest that ‘be careful when you hear a woman saying you have uncanny traits or abilities that only one in a million would possess’. That could be the bait for a small bite she intends to dig herself into. But, it is just a red herring and it might take some time for you to realize. Don’t ever get physical as it could ransack your strength - mental - if you happen to be an introvert staking claim on loyalty in the relationship.

There are times you would have found her in a giving mood all the time. She might even cite the intimate and intricate moments you had with her as sacrifices she made as if she was going down fighting against a social cause. Nor are you a clean dude. You will be shell shocked to learn that she shoves away her sacrifices with a gentle push. When you bobby raise the matter of intimacy, you are pinched off your head.

Quite rightfully done, isn’t it? It is not a demand and supply relationship. It is something that had better tossed off into the deep layers of the Pacific. Good that the anonymous person got it off his chest.

All said and done, possibilities for both to engage with a fresh man or woman will certainly explode. Take a look at the work environment and friends who might come in new. There are people who might want to use the relationship as an excuse to get things done. In today’s world, the concept of marriage is in itself at stake. Recently, I learnt that people working in the IT industry in Bangalore fall in love like a shot and get married without even examining each other properly. There isn’t time to discern. And the outcome is most of them bid it-means-nothing adieu to marriage. Separated they are, they tend to seek a new relationship. Who knows? This could be a cause for proliferating incidence of shacking up.

And, try to be an extrovert and allow the thought that any relationship is just a touch and go to sink in – just like in Mr and Mrs Smith where both hound for each others blood and then unite. Here in extramarital relationship, the converse happens. This is intended for two-timers and then back track and then get onto a fast track and end up in death bed with all the men surrounding the battle axe women if not really at least virtually.

First off, don’t give into any seduction in whatsoever form it is thrown at you. If you have taken the bait, can you be all sneers rather than being mushy about the whole stuff? Pretend if you cannot. For, the opposite sex will be doing the same. And, come out of the maze no sooner than you imagine. For your well being, my dear. By the way, focus on what interests you the most. No saying, it is your old flame. It sucks. Hahahaha!!!

Catch the train, catch a nap

I love to travel a lot. I suffer from perennial wanderlust but could dream visiting those exotic places than being able to land my foot in the thick cluster of ice in Swiss Alps, walking down the busy road in New York, letting the hair down in the coolest beach of Honolulu; the wish list is a long winding one.

But, I travel quite frequently in Chennai metro trains so much that I know the stations back of my palm. I fight for the window seat and get one luckily by stroke of luck. Looking out the window gives me a kick but the metro train does not chug along too far. It starts with a heavy heave and rattles down like a hopeless train only to slow down to end its short gasp. The next station arrives.

Short and snappy trip is the experience one gets till the destination point. So, I was not much thrilled about sticking my eyes out. I have seen Chennai from the metro trains and know the stations, its ambience like the LIC building. Even if my eyes sojourn on the pages of a novel, I know where by I am on the move or stationed.

Nowadays, I am trying to avoid sitting by the window side. Not that I am attracted towards “Pachaikili Muthucharam” girl. A strange feeling overcomes me and it is not even AXE or Fa. They make you sit and take notice.

But, this is a feeling that calms your nerves, soothes your body and ends up in sewing your eyes smoothly. The air from outside may be hot but it gets converted into a breeze. The breeze runs through you hair and letters in the novel glow bright and dull.

I doze off – caught between novel’s curiosity and the breeze. I wake up with a start when I reach every station. One day, I was sleeping tight (not snoring though) and the train had reached the destination. But for the pity showed by my fellow passenger on the train, I would have traveled back and beyond.

So far, I have given a slip to my friend, who boards from a different station. She is all set to take a photograph of how well I utilize the time traveling from X to Y. She perhaps wants to promote metro trains in Chennai. Given her yen for event management, she will blow up my picture in that head-bowing posture and propose it for a billboard near Panagal Park - The road that never sleeps!!

Academic debate - I

I must admit that I have hopped from one career to another sampling advertising, journalism, academics, research, and e-learning. I write but I don’t claim I am as famed as Kushwanth Singh or Shobha De. I am a writer in my own right. My colleagues in the field of academics have decried and encouraged me to sharpen my writing skills.

After 12 years, I have a life overrun by a mix of experiences, if not expertise.

Whenever I latched on to the industry, I tried not to be a slowpoke. I mustered my spirit to give the best. But, I gave more than enough reason for my friends and colleagues to believe that something was not right the way I built my career. Before one could say I am here, I had the tendency to train my eyes on a new career. I can attribute this to modernity and jauntily work my way around. That is an easy route to escapism. But, I did not.

I have of late looked at my self and wondered if my indecisiveness is having the last laugh. I owe to the Almighty for having given the can-do energy. But, that has not helped me complete my PhD. In spite of the papers I have published and arguing with people on issues relating to academics, modestly though, I sense I see a few of my colleagues getting cheesed off.

They are annoyed to the core! Why?

He prefers neem leaves to exams

When it comes to test or exam, my son goes silent and things are not easier. Berated by his never-do-I-care attitude, I told him to list down the topics for the forthcoming exam. As if I could spend some time with him, I looked at the list. Busy with my thesis work, I decided to encourage him to do self-learning.

Every 5 minutes, I would ask him ‘how far are you through with your preparation? He would say – ‘You can ask me questions’. He knows how busily I am involved with my work that seems to have no end in sight.

I asked him: So, you would do well in your exams!

‘Yes pop’. The tone would suggest as if he is aiming for the maximum.

Will you get above 80 percent?

I knew that could be the last straw. He rallied around and gave me a ‘wait and watch’ answer.

‘Let me get the answer sheet pop’. He didn’t want to say – ‘Oh my God, 80 percent.. that is a rip off! You must be cold-hearted’. On top of that, he told me in curt politeness – Don’t jump the gun.

In another instance, I was teaching him the life cycle of animals and reproduction. I taught him the way granny tells a bed time story. Son, every human being born in this world meets the ‘dead end’. I threw some spice into the story and struck terror in his mind. After death, God punishes and rewards us based on how we spend our life on earth. So, decide if you want to be in hell or heaven. No hideaways up there, said I. You will go through worst time screaming and crying in hell.

After some time, he asked me ‘how can we shout after we cease to exist?

I forgot to add a strand that God will bring all of us back to life. Sounded like a loosely woven plot typical of tamil movies. Less wonder, he despises most of the movies he watches.

Never before, Never again Offer

I looked unlike myself today – the jaunty spirit appears to have been hijacked by evil eyes. A clumsy walk and line sketches of salt and pepper beard, rather a five o’ clock shadow, showed me in poor light. Why this on a Valentine’s Day? Has cupid failed to dart his arrows and cast the worst of his curse?

At least I had time to recount the past in graphic details. I didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day when I was under the clutches of love - romance or any airy phrase you may want to use to describe it. Now, I indulge in it retrospectively after 11 years of married life. Not to say, I have two kids one at a whining age and another to whom I am reporting to. So much for the demands he makes in a saucy fashion.

By the way, I have an uncanny ability to detect whenever anything hanky-panky happens between a boy and a girl, man and a woman. It is not my well-rounded eyes that help me to see through the romantic ruse even if it is packaged with platonic or friendly preservatives. Just that, nothing escapes my intuition. Even a small hint and the couple is on my radar. However, this is not my profession, though. But, I got curious to know what happens on MCC campus.

Today, love is supposed to be in the air. And, I took a secretive glance at the ‘deepwoods’, but it wore a business-as-usual look. I looked up to make sure hydrogen balloons with a pair in them are not flying labeled ‘Love is in the Air’. Possibly, the younger generation today does not go emotionally overboard.

Why stay stealthy? I could hear a student apologetically looking around to snare a prospective boy. Later, I learnt she was kidding. Whatever it is, it is the moment and day to make a bold announcement. So, go around with loud speakers or distribute pamphlets!!!

And, if it is a one-day affair trying to tag someone along with you and beat yourself up about it till the tryst pleases, better not make hearts go into a sulk. Love thy neighbour, not in any romantic sense. Your valentine day fest is made.

What if I were a James Bond?

The signature tune will be the same. I fancy not to change it but why show those hour-glass shaped women in silhouettes in the intro song. I want well-dressed (chick)en - you know what I mean. Whatever it is! If you are goodie-goodie, close your eyes - else your jaws would drop.

By the way, I am James Bond – short and stout for a change. I don’t use cars. Instead I achieve all feats riding on my laughing, giggling, chuckling two-wheeler. It sends out all that cacophony the moment it is on.

Camera! Rolling! Action!

I chase a group of thugs who are within my eyesight when I start. Now, after half an hour on a highway dotted with trees either side, I hear only the rattling noise of my bike. The speedometer shows the needle at a constant speed. It is zero – hey but my vehicle is a zipper. I don’t know who unplugged the wire.

I see the road wet. Well, it has rained. The chase is still on. Don’t ask me why the chase is still continuing? The snaky roads wind through many hairpin bends. I press a button hoping to get a hood over the vehicle. Doesn’t Bond get it whatever he wants at the drop of a hat? So, I bend along the curve of the road and press the button. My super jet helmet falls down. I don't care as I have more ammunition in my vehicle. Till it gets reduced to a bicycle I can use and discard every part.

I sense something. The redlight near the speedometer glows. I assume the enemies are lurking somewhere around and they could shoot me anytime. I decided to hug the fuel tank to avoid the shots. When I curled up, I heard a shrill cry. Ouch! It's me man. I have not twisted my body for the past 25 years, except to eat food. (I don't like to eat from the dining table). My tiny tummy lets me to slip from right to left and left to right. Jelly like er!

Managing the wobbling of my belly, I try to fish out the revolver. What comes out is the pen I flicked from my colleague in the office.

Before I put it back, I am down by the side of a beautiful tree. The position doesn't change. I am lying in the same posture as I was riding the bike. I get up when I realize I am not moving. When I manage to stand and don my sunglass, I find that the glass has become straight and pliable like a talisman. I tie it around my big arm and am about to lift the vehicle. Suddenly, I see a man on a bike from a distance.

Cool, I said to myself. I turn around and pretend to pee. Assuming he has gone past me, I turn with half the action complete. The lady in his clutches is shouting ‘help’. He stares at me. I look at him curiously. ‘Could you please help me lift the vehicle so that I can leave the place and the lady for yours?’He smiles and obliges. I start my vehicle and it starts laughing, giggling and chuckling. The man thinks me the Bond has options and flees. The lady comes and hugs me. What would have happened after that? A la Bond’s raunchy effort!!